Self love in relationships, how to find your happy place- and keep it.

“I want a man/woman who makes me feel like I can do anything. I want someone to make me feel special/happy/beautiful”….and so on.

We’ve all said shit like this. I know I am guilty. Actually, before I met my partner Jacques I had a list: A dead set black and white, pen to paper list of the guy I wanted to meet. And I was sure that he was going to fulfil all my needs; spiritually, emotionally, physically, and we’d live happily ever after. There is such a massive face-palm moment to be had now that I see how literally fucking impossible that is.

Not the happily ever after part. We like that part. It’s the other part that is impossible; the part where you place the responsibility of your fundamental needs in the hands of your significant other; and then wrap them up neatly with a bow that reads, “If you loved me, you would do this”.

And it sounds silly when we look at it that way doesn’t it? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS.

It kills me to think how many of us are at war with our partners because we believe that they aren’t on our side. That we are so convinced that they don’t ‘understand us’ or aren’t ‘the one’ because of a feeling we hold within ourselves that something is missing.

That something is you. It’s your own love you are craving, your own attention. The yearning that you keep wishing for someone else to quell, is a desire that can only be fulfilled by you; in a way that no one else can ever truly understand, because it’s PERSONAL.

That feeling you are ‘missing something’ is actually just you missing yourself.

So, good news! You can change that. Take it all back. Take back the responsibility of having your needs fulfilled from your significant other, or parents, or cat; and do it yourself.

I buy myself flowers every week. Not because Jacques won’t buy me flowers, but because I like having fucking flowers. So I buy them. If though, one day I decided that I didn’t want to buy flowers anymore, but I wanted Jacques to, I’d probably start to act differently around him. Maybe I’d start hinting at things to get him to meet my needs, like commenting that the house could use brightening up a bit, or asking him things like “Do you like having fresh flowers in the house? I sure do.”#buymeflowers #youdontloveme

I know you may be laughing right now but I also hope you are also relating! Who else does this??? I’m going to be bold and say we all do! In one way or another, we hold the hope that other people will fill our needs for us – so we don’t have to.

We can become destructive and frustrated when we don’t get our needs met in relationship to others, but it’s so unnecessary!! Because we always, always, always have the power to take that desire and fulfil it ourselves. That is a practice in radical self-love.

“The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.” Now I say, “I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me”” — Jim Rohn

I went to the beach twice today, and ate chocolate spread, from the jar, with a spoon. So what are you going to do for you this weekend? Let me know in the comments.

Chiara xo

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