The Fraud Police.

The Fraud Police are in town again. And you know what? These guys are smart. They somehow seem to know exactly where it is inside me that I hide my most vulnerable thoughts- my fears, my insecurities. It’s like they are freaking super detectives. Whenever I try something new or stretch my comfort zone a little they show up, with their sirens blaring, yelling “Freeze! Put your hands in the air!”

And not in the ‘wave em all around like you just don’t care’ way, it’s much more in the “we will expose you, you fraud, who do you think you are to be acting like you know what you’re doing?” way.

Anyone relate to this?

I have experienced them quite a lot this week, which is cool because it tells me that I am trying new stuff. I feel like the menacing Fraud Police are actually a big part of my personal growth, because they offer me an insight into how terrified I am of being judged.

Yep, the Fraud Police are actually nothing more than my inner critics in uniform- an imaginative internalisation of what I believe other people would say about me behind my back.

And it serves me as a masochistic form of self-preservation. Yay.

See, I think we create these negative inner voices to prepare ourselves for the moment when someone will eventually put us down. We beat ourselves black and blue before anyone else has the chance.

What a fucking tragedy!! How many paintings have been unfinished, songs or poems left unwritten, or lovers lost because we were so busy preparing ourselves for failure that we couldn’t even start?

We always will be judged, that’s just how it is. There is always going to be someone who hates your guts, or your hair. Or both.

But never fear, everyone is not meant to like everyone. We can be kind to one another, sure, but there are always going to be people who don’t like you. And equally, there will be people who rub YOU up the wrong way; the people who’s very voice sounds to you like nails down a super-sized chalkboard, after you have run a 12km marathon, and ingested a bag of nails coated in snake venom. You get my point.

It’s important that we don’t live for these people, or for the Fraud Police. We need to take risks in spite of them. To feel the judgement, whether it’s internal or not; and do it anyway -even if it’s ‘poorly’ at first. That’s how we flourish.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” Samuel Beckett

So this week I am setting an intention to fuck as many things up as I can. I am turning 30 in a couple of weeks, so now is as good a time as any, right? Get on board with me if you’re sick of worrying about what the Fraud Police are going to say. And comment below if you learn something! I’d love to hear about from you, it keeps me inspired.

Chiara xo

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